I haven’t been blogging much lately – anywhere. I’ve talked about my fear of crashing and finally, it happened. It’s been a bit shocking.
Sometimes, I think that because my mind feels high functioning and I avoid most situations that trigger me, I *perceive* myself as being better then I am. Because I am doing awesomely. However, I’ve been given a reprieve. I may not be forced into a job that will make me sick so am in a position to think about long term strategy. I’m backing off from family. I’m thinking about what I wan’t to get out of the psychological process.
All of this is triggering the heck out of me. It’s disconcerting. It is an incredibly struggle to be alone on weekends. 3 weeks ago, my arm went numb and I couldn’t breath. This past weekend, I had intense visualizations of cutting my arm or legs open. I actually enjoyed them. In both cases, I focused on distracting myself. Which feels like I’m wasting time.
(Side note: I think my schemas are getting triggered and I’m not acknowledging it. However, that can wait.
It reminds me of how bad I was after my grandmother died and makes me wonder if I’m having a similar response to my grandfathers death. It reminds me of how scared I was in Belmont pre meds. It’s making me realize… I am actually sick. I’m not bullshitting or avoiding a situation. This is the first time in a long time I’ve been pushing myself this hard and specific symptoms ARE getting worse.
Now – this doesn’t have to be scary. I’m connected to a psych now so can have someone else who can do the strategy and thinking.
I am contemplating talking to the doctor about changing medication. Once it starts to get scary, it is beyond my capability to fix.
Additionally, I’ve also been sleeping more then usual. Simply because I don’t want to get up. I *am* making progress on cleaning though.
So… things are quite confusing. I don’t know how this impacts on my goals. I also don’t know what the best strategy for life is from here. Trying to use a spreadsheet to figure out how everything interconnects but am overwhelmed by the sheer amount of information I need to process. I haven’t been journalling recently, which is probably connected to the overwhelm.
Anyway, I’ve been doing a MOOC on psychology basics. Only 1-2 hours a week and it’s going back to the basics. I’ve taken notes on things I want to research and will be doing so, when I can. Even with psych help, I still think this is a puzzle that I need to figure out for myself.