Wow. Intense day, at least emotionally.
Today I went to the doctors to get the form for Centrelink. I know I’ve been a slackarse but I’ve just been feeling so shit. He was asking about medication and I mentioned that it felt like it had just stopped working. I hadn’t brought it up in the past with any doctor as I was certain the increased severity of symptoms was connected to an increase of stress.
It wasn’t until the job network was pushing me beyond my limitations – which I am so strict about not doing – that the weird symptoms started. I would class them as psychotic but they aren’t, not really. It’s felt like I’ve heard voices in the background a couple of times but I haven’t been sure. There was the intense visualizations of cutting myself, despite not physically wanting to cut myself. The idea felt fun. A lot of my thoughts were turning nasty again. It reminded me of what I was like unmedicated.
To backtrack, I casually mentioned it to the dr. He said that yes, many people had reported that it stopped working after a period of time and mentioned studies. I haven’t been able to find anything via google so I don’t know how substantiated this is. However, while googling people did mention a correlation between taking this brand and having memory issues!!!! I’m not getting my hopes up but that could explain why I’m feeling like such a dumbarse lately.
I originally switched from effexor to this brand because I wanted an increase in energy. I didn’t notice any, however didn’t want to play around with medication anymore. He prescribed what he described as an updated version of Effexor called Pristiq. Note: I’m relying on my dodgy memory here, so may not have the facts right. It made sense at the time.
Thus begins the process of tapering off these meds and then experimenting with the dosage of the new ones. Waaaaah!
I kinda don’t want to do this. I know my symptoms suck now but it’s a known evil. There are so many unknowns when switching brands, even if they are familiar.
Will things get worse while I’m in the process of finding the right dosage? Although there are meant to only be two dosages of this available, 50mg and 100 compared to the three available for effexor. And it’s meant to be primarily for depression, not GAD. Even if it is the same things.
There is also the fear that it may not work, because I was on it before. Or that I’ll run out of medication one day, because I’ll have used up all my tolerance for medication. There is so much fear around experimenting with medication.
I don’t think there will be a massive improvement in symptoms. Based on what I was like last time, I’ll still be knackered. Hoping to see a reduction in levels of anxiety, because it’s really draining physically. My chest is so tight typing this. Hoping there will be an increase in cognitive function, but I’ll never get back to my pre-anxiety levels. I do mourn for that. There is a positive though in that I’ve had to learn so much about how my brain works to function as well as I have been. If I do get more function back then I’ll be in an even better position, so it could be fun.
Mostly I want the really yucky symptoms to go away. They (and cognitive issues) have been the main reason I’m adamant about not getting a job until my health improves. I’m not endangering my health, nor am I going to accept employment when I know a breakdown is likely. That is unethical.
Ironically, I have been restructuring my entire online presence and all the tiny pieces are falling into place. I may be able to make some freelancing or passive income in the coming weeks/months. I’m getting attention again as I’m becoming less strict about flying under the radar. I’m going to take my time getting everything set up so I can have processes for when I get sick. Frankly, my health will never be 100%. I can do brilliant work but I can’t be under the same work conditions as before.