Yesterdays psych session was SO productive. It was something of a shock, considering I was thinking about cancelling as everything was going okay lately.
The main revelation, of sorts, was that I’d been based my fear of relapse on faulty data. The first 2-3 times I was sick I was on the wrong type of meds. SSRI’s did nothing for me. So yes, I did get better and get sick a couple of times but that was completely independent of the medication. A lot of that was circumstantial and I did a good job getting my life in order after each one.
The last relapse took place this year and my brain has been using the following narrative: “I’ve been on 5 different types of medication and have had so many ups and downs. This cycle will be continuing in the future and should be incorporated into any long term planning.”
If you look at it objectively though, it is only the Cymbalta that stopped working. The Effexor was going fine, I only switched brands because I hated the weight gain and lethargy. That was at the start of the relationship with Glenn though so I was putting myself under a lot of pressure.
SNRI’s have actually done pretty well for me and there has only been ONE relapse since I’ve been on them, in the past 6 years. In those years there has been so many stressful things happen. Our family was under a lot of pressure for an extended period of time.
It is so helpful to realize this. The fear of relapse, which I believed was incredibly strong, was informing every decision. I’ve been putting so much pressure on myself to make sure that I’m prepared for this in the future as I believed I had 2-3 years before the next one. It felt like all the evidence pointed to this but it didn’t!
Of course, there is always the chance of relapsing. That fear will always be there. But it isn’t necessarily a given. So, I can go easy on myself. Still be ambitious as fuck. On that note, I have stuff to create 🙂
(Still other issues and barriers going on – stuff I’m working on. However, they can wait.)